Not many if you know who I am. I'm normally pretty quiet and like to keep to myself. But if you did you'd know that blue is my favorite color and I'm a terrible cook. You'd know that as much as I love art, I really don't want to be a professional artist. I love to read and write. If you really knew me you'd know I'd rather be too hot than too cold. You'd know that I don't play ultimate for the sport but for the people. You'd know I love to sing but haven't preformed since 5th grade. If you really knew me you'd know I don't wear Christmas sweaters everyday because I like them. I know I look ridiculous. I do it to make people smile and laugh. If you really knew me you'd know I don't really care for stuff. I just want memories. If you really knew me you'd know I live the beach but couldn't live without the mountains. You'd know they one of my best friends commit suicide when I was 15 and I've never been the same since. You'd know that I want to know you story. The good and the bad. If you really knew me you'd know there's nowhere if rather be than a family party. You'd know I've only ever been on a date with boys on my team. You'd know I have 2 sisters and a brother. If you really knew me you'd know I live to smile. If you really knew me you'd know I absolutely live sledding, and fairytales are my favorite. You'd know that all I've ever wanted to do is teach, and that really hate wearing makeup, so I don't. You'd know I've never been kissed. If you really knew me you'd know I like manual labor and cut myself twice in five minutes trying to teach myself how to carve. If you really knew me you'd know I love to dance but can't because of my feet. If you really knew me you'd know I love my family more than anything and that my mom is my best friend. If you really knew me you'd know that this class saved me. I've learned more during A2 than I've learned in all my other periods combined. Worth knowing that is. You'd know I don't want it to end. But all good things do come to a close eventually.
So thanks Nelson for making me believe in love again. For teaching me I have nothing to be afraid of. Thank you Eleanor Douglas, my best friend. Elizabeth Grace my next door neighbor. Hancock the love expert. Katie lane my ultimate captain. Dante Alexander whom I can't find words to describe and crusty muffin for the chance to preform your blog.
So no more hiding. It's time for y'all to know who I really am. Not just Douglas Malloch. But also Meghan Abbott.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Monday, December 15, 2014
Wishing I didn't have to remember.
I remember when blue skies meant bike rides and snow fall made me smile and laugh. I remember when my dad taught me how to make snow angles. I remember falling off my bike, skinning my knee and my swimming buddy coming over and comparing his scrapes to mine. I remember when dad told us we were moving over a extra large bowl of ice cream. All I heard was you have to leaving him. And it turned our he didn't care. I remember the first time I say my dad cry and decided I would never cry again. I remember the red paint in her hair. I remember getting my first camera. A little purple film camera. I remember talking to Santa on the phone Christmas Eve and promising myself I'd always believe. I remember the first time I chopped my hair. I was no longer Repunzel. I remember him yelling to at me to stop singing. I sang louder. I remember the first time he hit me. My arm turned green. I remember learning about frogs in 1st grade and deciding they'd be my favorite animal forever. I remember Monday lunches with Mrs.B. I remember throwing a baseball with Adam cause mom was in Colorado and dad was at work. I remember the day I hit 3 ft. I remember my sacrament meeting art lessons. I remember the day I decided I like Utah, looking into his eys in the library. I remember building stone houses with Chantal in the forest. I remember the first time I read a book. All by myself. I was so proud. I remember when I thought moving would be the hardest thing i've ever done. I wish it still was. I remember being young and innocent, that life was perfect and always would be. I remember when that ended. I remember long walks to the park just so we could swing. I remember promising myself I would never care for anyone, I remember each time I broke it. I remember wishing I could fly, and catching fairy dust for my sister so she could have something to believe in. I remember all the letter I wrote, and never sent. I remember wishing for death. I remember the first time I fell in love, and meant it. I remember him breaking my heart. I remember big patches of sunflowers and mom wanting to take pictures in them. I remember getting my fishing pole stuck in a tree. three times. I remember laughing and the warm feeling of a smile. I remember my first kite, and the windy park. I remember leaf jumping, and Kyle hiding in the pile so he could scare Malone when she came by. I remember loving power rangers and jedis.
I remember a time when the worst thing that could happen was you being busy. Before I heard the sirens. Before I got the phone call
I remember the wails of boys who should be laughing. I remember watching Mall Cop in silence. I remember crying so hard I almost passed out. I remember sitting on the swing waiting for you to come and say, "suprise! I'm not dead!" I remember the last time I danced with you, last time I ate with you, talked to you, saw you and wishing I could've done something different. I remember people telling me I needed to talk about it. I remember crying myself to sleep for a month. I remember what it felt like to go to Hell, and not sure if i've made it out yet. I rememeber seeing someone in the halls that looked like you and then have to run and cry when I remembered that you're gone. I remember the pain in having to be strong because someone had to be. I remember feeling alone and unloved. I remember feeling responsible, still do. I remember the warm sun and my frozen heart. I remember the song that now makes me cry. I remember everyone coming to the funeral pretending to know you. it made me angry. I remember skipping the burial, and will forever regret it. I remember being to scared to visit. I remember feeling hollow. sometime I still do. I remember seeing my brother sitting at the work bench, hands hanging aimless at his side at tears rolled furiously down his cheeks. I remember each individual time I wished you were here. I remember wanting to trade you spots. I remember wanting to tell someone but not burden anyone with the pain. So I called Andrew. I remember mom being afraid to leave any of us alone for two months. I remember going to practise the next day and not having the will power to stand. I remember doing push ups to punish myself. I remember trying to push thoughts of you away and laughing off everything so no one could see my hurt. I remember the day you died and all the moments after that were half empty without you.
I remember…
I remember…
I remember…
I remember what it was like to have you here, and I wish I didn't have to.
I remember a time when the worst thing that could happen was you being busy. Before I heard the sirens. Before I got the phone call
I remember the wails of boys who should be laughing. I remember watching Mall Cop in silence. I remember crying so hard I almost passed out. I remember sitting on the swing waiting for you to come and say, "suprise! I'm not dead!" I remember the last time I danced with you, last time I ate with you, talked to you, saw you and wishing I could've done something different. I remember people telling me I needed to talk about it. I remember crying myself to sleep for a month. I remember what it felt like to go to Hell, and not sure if i've made it out yet. I rememeber seeing someone in the halls that looked like you and then have to run and cry when I remembered that you're gone. I remember the pain in having to be strong because someone had to be. I remember feeling alone and unloved. I remember feeling responsible, still do. I remember the warm sun and my frozen heart. I remember the song that now makes me cry. I remember everyone coming to the funeral pretending to know you. it made me angry. I remember skipping the burial, and will forever regret it. I remember being to scared to visit. I remember feeling hollow. sometime I still do. I remember seeing my brother sitting at the work bench, hands hanging aimless at his side at tears rolled furiously down his cheeks. I remember each individual time I wished you were here. I remember wanting to trade you spots. I remember wanting to tell someone but not burden anyone with the pain. So I called Andrew. I remember mom being afraid to leave any of us alone for two months. I remember going to practise the next day and not having the will power to stand. I remember doing push ups to punish myself. I remember trying to push thoughts of you away and laughing off everything so no one could see my hurt. I remember the day you died and all the moments after that were half empty without you.
I remember…
I remember…
I remember…
I remember what it was like to have you here, and I wish I didn't have to.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Friday, November 21, 2014
Boy
I fell in L O V E
with a boy
A boy full of
light laughter and dreams
He made me see
the world
for its possibilities
He changed me
from the girl in the back of the class room
to ME
He made me see
that me was the best thing
I could be
because there was nobody else that could be me
He taught me how to laugh
and how laughter
heals the soul
He showed me how
to make others smile
I practiced a lot
on him
He told me
I didn't have to be afraid
Of A N Y T H I N G
One day my boy
decided he didn't want to be mine anymore
didn't want to be a boy anymore
but a man
His smile
was replaced by wrinkled forehead
at least around me
His dreams
became plans
and nothing more
My boy spread so far
so thin
I can't see him when he's next to me
I don't think he wants me to
He stopped looking for me
and I him
And all this time
my heart twisted
My heart squeezed
and tore
and broke
and no amount of tears
could wash away the pain
My boy became a memory
a fantasy
a fleeting thought
Someone I will always love
While the man lives
becoming someone
distant and unrecognizable
I tried to love him
it made sense
then my heart came
and said
You can't L O V E with your H E A D
nor R E A S O N with your H E A R T
So I left the boy
who'd become a man
And do everything he taught
and remember everything we did
Hoping
One day
My boy will come back
And the man
will go
away
with a boy
A boy full of
light laughter and dreams
He made me see
the world
for its possibilities
He changed me
from the girl in the back of the class room
to ME
He made me see
that me was the best thing
I could be
because there was nobody else that could be me
He taught me how to laugh
and how laughter
heals the soul
He showed me how
to make others smile
I practiced a lot
on him
He told me
I didn't have to be afraid
Of A N Y T H I N G
One day my boy
decided he didn't want to be mine anymore
didn't want to be a boy anymore
but a man
His smile
was replaced by wrinkled forehead
at least around me
His dreams
became plans
and nothing more
My boy spread so far
so thin
I can't see him when he's next to me
I don't think he wants me to
He stopped looking for me
and I him
And all this time
my heart twisted
My heart squeezed
and tore
and broke
and no amount of tears
could wash away the pain
My boy became a memory
a fantasy
a fleeting thought
Someone I will always love
While the man lives
becoming someone
distant and unrecognizable
I tried to love him
it made sense
then my heart came
and said
You can't L O V E with your H E A D
nor R E A S O N with your H E A R T
So I left the boy
who'd become a man
And do everything he taught
and remember everything we did
Hoping
One day
My boy will come back
And the man
will go
away
Saturday, November 8, 2014
I Honestly Don't Know What to Say
I honestly don't know what to say.
My mind is blank, but my hands move, discover.
They want to see how far they can reach
And how much they can pull up
they want to create
learn
feel
and just
be
They want to discover
the World's secret
(cause everyone has one)
they want
to set it free
My heart discovered me
It discovered
Life is mean
Life is cruel
Life is pain
Life is out to get me
But Life is also
beautiful
calm
full of love
and how can something so horrible
be so...
wonderful?
I discovered the little kid
that used to catch snowflakes
on their tongue,
face towards God,
is still inside
never going to grow up
never to be a serious adult
I used to look up at the stars
and wonder
HOW?
Now I can't even see them
I used to sit on the grass
for HOURS
petting a dog
and drawing
Now I'm lucky to have
10 minutes free
I used to watch the clouds
and make pictures
stories
now I look for the blue
and the sun
I honestly don't know what I'm saying
But my hands
and my heart
do.
I used to cry
when my boot crushed a flower
now I don't even look down
when I walk
I used to sing
it felt good
now I don't
it doesn't sound good
I used to smile
because I'm alive
I'm free
Now I don't
too busy
too tired
I have no idea what I'm saying
neither does my head
but my heart does
and my hands
follow suit
I used to dance
to move my body
to the beat of life
now I've got places to go
and dancing doesn't get me there
fast enough
I used to be in love
with my hero
Now we don't even talk
I don't know where this all came from
But my heart does
and my hands explain
the sun used to kiss my cheeks
as I spun
playing drunk monkey
Now my playmate is gone
there is work to be done
I used to see the magic
and believe
now I'm too old
and embarrassed
to admit it was ever there
I honestly don't know what to say.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Breathing Stars
Death is a strange concept that is feared because we don't understand. It's something that makes us do the wildest of things whether we're avoiding it or chasing it with arms spread wide.
It's is the end of everything we know and the beginning of things we don't.
Death brings a pain that no one can describe, nor wants to. A pain that paints images. Images of that gun going off. Of Those pills being swallowed, the car making contact, their arm going limp, and the world slowing to a stand still.
The threat of death changes people. It makes them doing things they normally wouldn't have the guts to do. It changes people, turns them inside out like nothing else can.
It can build you up or tear you down. It makes you sign in relief or tense in fear. It either sharpens or dulls your senses.
It burns you, marks you
Death makes you cry so hard you see stars and almost pass out.
Death breaks down your barriers, then builds them up stronger than before. It makes you vulnerable then tough. It makes you wonder then fear.
Death is life
And life is death.
It's is the end of everything we know and the beginning of things we don't.
Death brings a pain that no one can describe, nor wants to. A pain that paints images. Images of that gun going off. Of Those pills being swallowed, the car making contact, their arm going limp, and the world slowing to a stand still.
The threat of death changes people. It makes them doing things they normally wouldn't have the guts to do. It changes people, turns them inside out like nothing else can.
It can build you up or tear you down. It makes you sign in relief or tense in fear. It either sharpens or dulls your senses.
It burns you, marks you
Death makes you cry so hard you see stars and almost pass out.
Death breaks down your barriers, then builds them up stronger than before. It makes you vulnerable then tough. It makes you wonder then fear.
Death is life
And life is death.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
I'm Never Not Afraid
I'm afraid to tell the world my fears. Afraid it will make me weak and vulnerable. Afraid that people will use then against me.
I know I'm a coward. All I do is hide. Hide from my past, from who I really am, and the problems I should be dealing with. I hide from it all.
But no more. I'm tired of hiding. Tired if being afraid. Of having so many secrets.
So here it goes
I'm afraid of the people I love dying. I didn't used I have this fear. I was overly optimistic that I would never loose anyone. But the day it happened. My heart froze and I cried acid. One of the blisters on my heart never healed. Instead it festers. And shoots slivers of pain through my heart each time it gets bumped.
I'm afraid of sirens and what they'll bring.
I'm afraid if heights. No. I'm afraid of falling.
I'm afraid of my past and my memories. I'm afraid of the future and making the wrong decision. Afraid of disappointing those who support me.
I'm afraid of becoming the person I once was. Afraid of never changing again
I'm afraid of change and the uncertainty it will bring.
I'm afraid I'll never know what it's like to live pain free. Know what it's like to be healthy.
I'm afraid that there something wrong with me because I'm not afraid to die.
I'm afraid no sick of stupid doctors and their crushing accusations. No I'm not on drugs, no I'm not depressed, no I don't trust you. Your job is to make me better. But all you do is make me feel worse.
I afraid of my heart and what's capable of.
I'm afraid if crying in public, because yes I'm okay, even when I'm not.
I'm afraid of letting the barrier around my heart break. I'm afraid what will happen to me if it doesn't.
I'm afraid… I'm afraid… I'm afraid…
I know I'm a coward. All I do is hide. Hide from my past, from who I really am, and the problems I should be dealing with. I hide from it all.
But no more. I'm tired of hiding. Tired if being afraid. Of having so many secrets.
So here it goes
I'm afraid of the people I love dying. I didn't used I have this fear. I was overly optimistic that I would never loose anyone. But the day it happened. My heart froze and I cried acid. One of the blisters on my heart never healed. Instead it festers. And shoots slivers of pain through my heart each time it gets bumped.
I'm afraid of sirens and what they'll bring.
I'm afraid if heights. No. I'm afraid of falling.
I'm afraid of my past and my memories. I'm afraid of the future and making the wrong decision. Afraid of disappointing those who support me.
I'm afraid of becoming the person I once was. Afraid of never changing again
I'm afraid of change and the uncertainty it will bring.
I'm afraid I'll never know what it's like to live pain free. Know what it's like to be healthy.
I'm afraid that there something wrong with me because I'm not afraid to die.
I'm afraid no sick of stupid doctors and their crushing accusations. No I'm not on drugs, no I'm not depressed, no I don't trust you. Your job is to make me better. But all you do is make me feel worse.
I afraid of my heart and what's capable of.
I'm afraid if crying in public, because yes I'm okay, even when I'm not.
I'm afraid of letting the barrier around my heart break. I'm afraid what will happen to me if it doesn't.
I'm afraid… I'm afraid… I'm afraid…
Friday, October 24, 2014
Why
Sometimes I wonder why people do things
Why I do the things I do.
Why I ignore my best friend. For them? … or me?
Why I ever stopped writing. Was it because it to avoid the pain? … or the truth?
Why I put up a front. Is it to protect everyone around me? … or myself?
Why? Why don't I just face who I am and live it up?
Why don't I just confront the person who stole my heart? Because I'm afraid? Or because I want him to go away?
Why do I always read when I feel like I'm about to break?
Why I do the things I do.
Why I ignore my best friend. For them? … or me?
Why I ever stopped writing. Was it because it to avoid the pain? … or the truth?
Why I put up a front. Is it to protect everyone around me? … or myself?
Why? Why don't I just face who I am and live it up?
Why don't I just confront the person who stole my heart? Because I'm afraid? Or because I want him to go away?
Why do I always read when I feel like I'm about to break?
Why do I screw up so much? Because I don't try hard enough? Or because I try too hard?
Am I really THAT selfish?
Why?
Why?
Why?!
Am I really THAT selfish?
Why?
Why?
Why?!
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Things You Probabaly Don't Remember
That day in the library you were playing chess. I watched. When it was over I got scared and ran away. But you ran after me.
At that parent teacher conference in 7th grade that you came up and talked to me. My mom whispered to me later that you liked me. I told her she was crazy.
Free time in science when you grabbed my shoulders and said, "Doug, you have to read it! You're missin out!"
When you told me I could trust you and I did. Still do.
When you snuck up on me in a rolly chair during history. I was alone. You asked if I was okay, and for the first time I told you the truth.
All the times you brushed grass out of my hair or off my back.
The time we went to a basketball game because you forgot I couldn't skate
The first time I met your family
The first time you met mine
The day I was in so much pain I was sure I would die. But you came and held my shaking body, giving me strength
It took 3 phone calls to tell you he was gone
Star Wars dodge ball
When you missed my neighborhood turn, took a 20 min detour and just talked.
When you and friends kidnapped me for my 16 birthday
Dancing
When we went caroling and I brushed the snowflakes off your eyebrow.
That valentine you gave me last year.
That your my best friend.
At that parent teacher conference in 7th grade that you came up and talked to me. My mom whispered to me later that you liked me. I told her she was crazy.
Free time in science when you grabbed my shoulders and said, "Doug, you have to read it! You're missin out!"
When you told me I could trust you and I did. Still do.
When you snuck up on me in a rolly chair during history. I was alone. You asked if I was okay, and for the first time I told you the truth.
All the times you brushed grass out of my hair or off my back.
The time we went to a basketball game because you forgot I couldn't skate
The first time I met your family
The first time you met mine
The day I was in so much pain I was sure I would die. But you came and held my shaking body, giving me strength
It took 3 phone calls to tell you he was gone
Star Wars dodge ball
When you missed my neighborhood turn, took a 20 min detour and just talked.
When you and friends kidnapped me for my 16 birthday
Dancing
When we went caroling and I brushed the snowflakes off your eyebrow.
That valentine you gave me last year.
That your my best friend.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Forgotten Memories
The way life used to be
Always me and you; you and me
Now times have changed
Our lives rearranged
Our memories together
Once as tough as leather
Are now in a box
Probably full of socks
Covered in dust
And starting to rust
The other day
When you said you couldn't stay
I
Opened
It
Do you remember…?
Story Telling
Story Telling
1.decide on your story topic
This is the hardest part. You have to choose something both entertaining and learnable relateable. If you loose miss the entertainment your story will be boring and everyone will throw fruit at you. Miss Forget to make it relatable, it will be pointless a waste of breath.
2. Use your words well
Too many words will drown your audience. Too few will bore strangle them.
3. Practise controlling your voice
Your voice can will either be your best friend or your worst enemy. All emotion and feeling has to be conveyed through your voice. You're a one man band. You represent are every character and every character is represents you.
4. Fall back on motion and facial expression
Your movements and facial expressions fill in the gaps that voice leaves behind. Taking your story from your ears to your eyes to your heart.
5. Story Telling LIVE
The most important step. Forget about being a story teller. Live the story. Be a story worth telling. Meet new characters. The good and the bad. I'm living a story with all the ups and downs. A story of love, pain, and sacrifice. Of smiles, laughter, and tears. Of friends, enemies, and family. Of bruises, rain, and sunshine. My story is full of strike outs and new ideas. I'm in a story where I'm not just the ink of someone's pen, or the breath escaping another's lips. I'm breathing real and very alive.
What's your story?
Friday, October 3, 2014
Holiday
October 1 marks the start of my favorite time of year
The holiday season, to make that clear
A time for costumes and treat alike
And presents gifts and a brand new bike
But the magic that lives in the season
Is what gives me the reason
That I love the season of holidays
For October through January is full of jolly days
Halloween Christmas New Years and Thanksgiving too
The decorations and festivities all around
Can't walk down the street without hearing a musical sound
A time for giving and caring for others
A time for all to come together sisters mothers fathers and brothers
It's a time if warmth and light
Each home it's own beautiful sight
The holiday season is the best if all
And it all begins in the fall.
Mind Games
I gave you my heart once. I trusted you more than anyone. I loved you more than I thought was humanly possible.
But it was just a game to you.
The betrayal so hot it melted my heart into my mind.
You never loved me. I doubt sometimes whether you were even my friend.
My life took on a new pattern. A new way of thinking. Your voice wormed it's way into my mind. Making me second guess myself and the motives of those around me.
Someone's smile
They think you're a joke
I look down
Someone says hello
They want something from me
I walk the other way
Someone talks to me
Why bother?
I study the floor and nod
I have a friend
Really? They're not your friend. Who in their right would want
to be friends with YOU?
I stop answering the phone when they call
Trust me. Someone says
Why? They're just gonna betray you.
I walk away.
Come hang out with us!
They just want to embarrass you. Hurt you.
I'm busy. Sorry. Then I sit in my room. Alone.
Pass a mirror
Your pointless
Your cruel
Your not good enough
Your stupid
You'll never be good enough
Your beneath them.
Your right.
Then. One day. Someone handed me a book.
And your voice was replaced. The words in my head changed. Now when someone smiled I'd try to smile back. Slowly I began to trust, hope, again. I hung out with kids my age. I began to feel. I began to love.
But one day your voice returned. Doubt crept into my mind and filled my weak mind with the thoughts of old.
They're just using you. Because you're weak. Easy to manipulate.
So I ran
And THEY ran after ME. Calling out MY name. Asking ME where I was going. Why was I leaving. And could I stay? I turned and your voice screamed
NO!!!
But the smile on their friendly face cut you short. That mind game of yours was over and I had won. I was free.
Love had set me free, and keeps me so. Please don't take my love away. I gave you my heart. Please don't break it.
But it was just a game to you.
The betrayal so hot it melted my heart into my mind.
You never loved me. I doubt sometimes whether you were even my friend.
My life took on a new pattern. A new way of thinking. Your voice wormed it's way into my mind. Making me second guess myself and the motives of those around me.
Someone's smile
They think you're a joke
I look down
Someone says hello
They want something from me
I walk the other way
Someone talks to me
Why bother?
I study the floor and nod
I have a friend
Really? They're not your friend. Who in their right would want
to be friends with YOU?
I stop answering the phone when they call
Trust me. Someone says
Why? They're just gonna betray you.
I walk away.
Come hang out with us!
They just want to embarrass you. Hurt you.
I'm busy. Sorry. Then I sit in my room. Alone.
Pass a mirror
Your pointless
Your cruel
Your not good enough
Your stupid
You'll never be good enough
Your beneath them.
Your right.
Then. One day. Someone handed me a book.
And your voice was replaced. The words in my head changed. Now when someone smiled I'd try to smile back. Slowly I began to trust, hope, again. I hung out with kids my age. I began to feel. I began to love.
But one day your voice returned. Doubt crept into my mind and filled my weak mind with the thoughts of old.
They're just using you. Because you're weak. Easy to manipulate.
So I ran
And THEY ran after ME. Calling out MY name. Asking ME where I was going. Why was I leaving. And could I stay? I turned and your voice screamed
NO!!!
But the smile on their friendly face cut you short. That mind game of yours was over and I had won. I was free.
Love had set me free, and keeps me so. Please don't take my love away. I gave you my heart. Please don't break it.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Brick by Brick
I hurt
All over
My heart bled
Clear love
And burned
EVERYTHING
My soul
Ash
So
With charred
Bloody
Fingers
I began
Brick
By
Brick
Layer
By
Layer
Higher
And
By
Brick
Layer
By
Layer
Higher
And
Higher
Till the wall
Was built
Protecting
ME
Masking
ME
Keeping out
THEM
Trapping
ME
Cutting off
ME
LOST
FORGETTEN
My new world
DARK
but safe
LONLEY
but safe
SAD
but safe
SILENT
but safe
COLORLESS
but safe
LIFELESS
but safe
I began
To become
The wall
Melting
Out
Of
Existence
Until…
YOU
You climbed
And
Climbed
And
Climbed
And
Climbed
Climbed
Then
YOU
Were next to
ME
LIFTING
REVIVING
REVIVING
HELPING
BEFRIENDING
ME
We cracked
The wall
TOGETHER
The light
Broke through
blinding me
YOU
Covered my eyes
Helping
ME
REASJUST
OPEN UP
And BECOME
someone
NEW
The wall
GONE
GONE
Replaced
By
YOUR ARMS
Encircling
ME
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Dear Friend
I fell in love today. All over again. I fell in love with the same person I've been falling in love with for 5 years.
Only, they don't know I love them
I don't know if they love me.
I don't have the guts to tell them. I can't tell the one person that knows my every secret my most sacred one. The one about them. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I told… I'd loose my best friend. I'm afraid it will make everything akward. I'm afraid that they don't love me. But I hope. All I can do is hope and write.
So here's hoping.
And here's writing
Dear friend,
I get butterflies every time you look my way. My heart flip flops whenever you say my name. My skin tingles and my heart burns each time you touch me. My goal at the beginning of everyday is to make you laugh, because nothing makes me happier than the sound of your laugh. I trust you more than I trust my own hand. There's no one else I'd rather be with that you, because with you I'm free. Free to smile laugh and talk. You made me feel like maybe life could be worth living. Then you showed me time and time again what it means not to just be human but what it means to LIVE. and I fell in love. I fell in love with that smile, laugh, and carefree tone. I fell in love with the way you talk to yourself when you work. I fell in love with how passionate you are about your future and everything you do. I love the way you can be yourself. I love the way you're fearless, defy odds, and do your best. I fell in love with your selfless ways. The way you could make someone so depressed feel loved, wanted and cared about. I fell in love with you.
My dear friend I fell in love with you!!!
But, my dearest friend,
Do you love me?
Only, they don't know I love them
I don't know if they love me.
I don't have the guts to tell them. I can't tell the one person that knows my every secret my most sacred one. The one about them. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I told… I'd loose my best friend. I'm afraid it will make everything akward. I'm afraid that they don't love me. But I hope. All I can do is hope and write.
So here's hoping.
And here's writing
Dear friend,
I get butterflies every time you look my way. My heart flip flops whenever you say my name. My skin tingles and my heart burns each time you touch me. My goal at the beginning of everyday is to make you laugh, because nothing makes me happier than the sound of your laugh. I trust you more than I trust my own hand. There's no one else I'd rather be with that you, because with you I'm free. Free to smile laugh and talk. You made me feel like maybe life could be worth living. Then you showed me time and time again what it means not to just be human but what it means to LIVE. and I fell in love. I fell in love with that smile, laugh, and carefree tone. I fell in love with the way you talk to yourself when you work. I fell in love with how passionate you are about your future and everything you do. I love the way you can be yourself. I love the way you're fearless, defy odds, and do your best. I fell in love with your selfless ways. The way you could make someone so depressed feel loved, wanted and cared about. I fell in love with you.
My dear friend I fell in love with you!!!
But, my dearest friend,
Do you love me?
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Instead of Laughing I Cry
Change
Real change
Earth shattering
Heart wrenching
Change
There's nothing I hate more
Involuntary change
Change where my true love
Very best friend
Drops me
Exchanges me
For someone I know they deserve
And the pain
Oh the sweet hot pain
That comes when asked where is so and so
Because for the first time in forever
I showed up
Completely
Alone
The change in my mood
From yes
Yes
Yes
To no
No
No
Instead of laughing
I cry
Instead of drawing
I cry
Instead if writing
I read
Instead of reading
I write
All because if change
Stupid
Selfish
Unfeeling
Bone rattling
Change
A change
Not only in life
But in my very being
Because without you
Beside me
I'm half lost
Because instead if laughing
I cry
Friday, September 19, 2014
Unrequited Love
Love is the shaving cream you smeared all over my face and me chasing you all over the yard after.
Love is those long drives we used to take, to steal a few precious moments together. The few moments I could truly be myself
Love is you putting your arm around me, trying to hold me together with your love. The brief touches and intimate looks we shared when we though no one else was looking.
Love is holding each other as we cry.
Love is you using my shoulder as a pillow because you didn't get enough sleep last night.
Love is passing the potatoes
Love is whispering as we sit by the fire.
Love is making you laugh, because there's nothing that makes me happier than seeing you happy and smiling.
Love is the notes we passed, the stories we told, because there's no one I trust more than you.
Love is letting you go because someone caught your eye.
Love is supporting you, ignoring peoples questions, and defending you and your choice to leave.
Love is still putting you before everything.
Love you even if you don't love me back.
Even if I cry over the thought of you every night, though I'd never admit it.
Because no matter what I'll love you. Now. Forever. Always.
And here's hoping.
Hoping that one day this complicated unrequited love will become simple, true love once more.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Lights
Red
Blue
The screeching
The wailing
Of a siren
My heart pounds
My hands fold
As my lips move
Silently
Please no
Please no
The phone rings
My hands shake
I hear the voice
I drop
And scream
NO!!!!!
Please…
Saturday, September 13, 2014
My Fear of Fear
I have a fear of fear
Cause it takes everything dear
To me
You see
I'm afraid to talk
On this fear walk
Cause all you people
Who can't look at a church steeple
Use
Accuse
Bruise
Abuse
Take
Awake
Awake
Innocent folk
Cause their life's a joke
Something to throw away
Delay
Push down
Place on you the crown
To place you among the kings
Giving you wings
To soar above the rest
Who gave everything at your request
This I used to think
From stuff in ink
That you'd do anything to rise
But I was taken by surprise
When one day
I didn't want to stay
Someone reached out
And asked about
My story
Even though there was no glory
They cared
Shared
Taught
Fought
Defended
Reprimanded
Me
Cause I'm ME
I fell in love
Something I'd only dreamt of
I fell in love all over again
And again
And again
And again
And again
And again
I finally knew what it felt like to be human
And I felt like a new man
Being human was to feel
Something real
An emotion
I used to think was a silly notion
But the tears
And the fears
The smiles
The miles
Traveled
Unraveled
Until we find Love
That fits like a glove
Anger
Danger
Joy
Coy
This thumping in my chest
Is the test
To tell if I'm alive
But these feelings I need to thrive
To make me a person
Not a burden
So let me feel
To seal the deal
To make
me
HUMAN
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