Wishing I didn't have to remember.

I remember when blue skies meant bike rides and snow fall made me smile and laugh. I remember when my dad taught me how to make snow angles. I remember falling off my bike, skinning my knee and my swimming buddy coming over and comparing his scrapes to mine. I remember when dad told us we were moving over a extra large bowl of ice cream. All I heard was you have to leaving him. And it turned our he didn't care. I remember the first time I say my dad cry and decided I would never cry again. I remember the red paint in her hair. I remember getting my first camera. A little purple film camera. I remember talking to Santa on the phone Christmas Eve and promising myself I'd always believe. I remember the first time I chopped my hair. I was no longer Repunzel. I remember him yelling to at me to stop singing. I sang louder. I remember the first time he hit me. My arm turned green. I remember learning about frogs in 1st grade and deciding they'd be my favorite animal forever. I remember Monday lunches with Mrs.B. I remember throwing a baseball with Adam cause mom was in Colorado and dad was at work. I remember the day I hit 3 ft. I remember my sacrament meeting art lessons. I remember the day I decided I like Utah, looking into his eys in the library. I remember building stone houses with Chantal in the forest. I remember the first time I read a book. All by myself.  I was so proud. I remember when I thought moving would be the hardest thing i've ever done. I wish it still was.  I remember being young and innocent, that life was perfect and always would be. I remember when that ended. I remember long walks to the park just so we could swing. I remember promising myself I would never care for anyone, I remember each time I broke it. I remember wishing I could fly, and catching fairy dust for my sister so she could have something to believe in. I remember all the letter I wrote, and never sent. I remember wishing for death. I remember the first time I fell in love, and meant it. I remember him breaking my heart. I remember big patches of sunflowers and mom wanting to take pictures in them.  I remember getting my fishing pole stuck in a tree. three times.  I remember laughing and the warm feeling of a smile. I remember my first kite, and the windy park. I remember leaf jumping, and Kyle hiding in the pile so he could scare Malone when she came by. I remember loving power rangers and jedis.

I remember a time when the worst thing that could happen was you being busy. Before I heard the sirens. Before I got the phone call

I remember the wails of boys who should be laughing. I remember watching Mall Cop in silence. I remember crying so hard I almost passed out.  I remember sitting on the swing waiting for you to come and say, "suprise! I'm not dead!" I remember the last time I danced with you, last time I ate with you, talked to you, saw you and wishing I could've done something different.  I remember people telling me I needed to talk about it. I remember crying myself to sleep for a month. I remember what it felt like to go to Hell, and not sure if i've made it out yet. I rememeber seeing someone in the halls  that looked like you and then have to run and cry when I remembered that you're gone. I remember the pain in having to be strong because someone had to be. I remember feeling alone and unloved. I remember feeling responsible, still do.  I remember the warm sun and my frozen heart. I remember the song that now makes me cry. I remember everyone coming to the funeral pretending to know you. it made me angry. I remember skipping the burial, and will forever regret it. I remember being to scared to visit. I remember feeling hollow. sometime I still do. I remember seeing my brother sitting at the work bench, hands hanging aimless at his side at tears rolled furiously down his cheeks. I remember each individual time I wished you were here. I remember wanting to trade you spots. I remember wanting to tell someone but not burden anyone with the pain. So I called Andrew. I remember mom being afraid to leave any of us alone for two months. I remember going to practise the next day and not having the will power to stand. I remember doing push ups to punish myself. I remember trying to push thoughts of you away and laughing off everything so no one could see my hurt.  I remember the day you died and all the moments after that were half empty without you. 

I remember…

I remember…

I remember…

I remember what it was like to have you here, and I wish I didn't have to.