Brick by Brick

I hurt

All over

My heart bled

Clear love

And burned

EVERYTHING

My soul

Ash

So

With charred

Bloody

Fingers

I began 

Brick
By
Brick
Layer
By
Layer
Higher
And 

Higher

Till the wall

Was built

Protecting

ME

Masking

ME

Keeping out

THEM

Trapping

ME

Cutting off

ME

LOST

FORGETTEN

My new world

DARK

but safe

LONLEY

but safe

SAD

but safe

SILENT

but safe

COLORLESS

but safe

LIFELESS

but safe

I began

To become

The wall

Melting

Out

Of

Existence

Until…

YOU

You climbed
And
Climbed

And 
Climbed

Then

YOU

Were next to

ME

LIFTING
REVIVING

HELPING

BEFRIENDING

ME

We cracked

The wall

TOGETHER

The light

Broke through

blinding me

YOU

Covered my eyes

Helping 

ME

REASJUST

OPEN UP

And BECOME

someone

NEW

The wall
GONE

Replaced

By

YOUR ARMS

Encircling 

ME

Dear Friend

I fell in love today.  All over again.  I fell in love with the same person I've been falling in love with for 5 years.

Only, they don't know I love them

I don't know if they love me. 

I don't have the guts to tell them. I can't tell the one person that knows my every secret my most sacred one. The one about them. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I told… I'd loose my best friend. I'm afraid it will make everything akward. I'm afraid that they don't love me. But I hope. All I can do is hope and write. 

So here's hoping. 

And here's writing 

Dear friend,

I get butterflies every time you look my way. My heart flip flops whenever you say my name.  My skin tingles and my heart burns each time you touch me. My goal at the beginning of everyday is to make you laugh, because nothing makes me happier than the sound of your laugh. I trust you more than I trust my own hand.  There's no one else I'd rather be with that you, because with you I'm free. Free to smile laugh and talk. You made me feel like maybe life could be worth living. Then you showed me time and time again what it means not to just be human but what it means to LIVE. and I fell in love. I fell in love with that smile, laugh, and carefree tone.  I fell in love with the way you talk to yourself when you work. I fell in love with how passionate you are about your future and everything you do. I love the way you can be yourself. I love the way you're fearless, defy odds, and do your best. I fell in love with your selfless ways. The way you could make someone so depressed feel loved, wanted and cared about. I fell in love with you. 


My dear friend I fell in love with you!!!

But, my dearest friend,

Do you love me?

Instead of Laughing I Cry

Change

Real change

Earth shattering

Heart wrenching

Change

There's nothing I hate more

Involuntary change

Change where my true love

Very best friend 

Drops me

Exchanges me

For someone I know they deserve 

And the pain

Oh the sweet hot pain

That comes when asked where is so and so

Because for the first time in forever

I showed up

Completely 

Alone

The change in my mood

From yes

Yes

Yes 

To no

No

No

Instead of laughing

I cry

Instead of drawing

I cry

Instead if writing

I read

Instead of reading

I write

All because if change

Stupid

Selfish

Unfeeling

Bone rattling 

Change

A change

Not only in life

But in my very being

Because without you

Beside me

I'm half lost

Because instead if laughing

I cry 

Unrequited Love

Love is the shaving cream you smeared all over my face and me chasing you all over the yard after. 

Love is those long drives we used to take, to steal a few precious moments together. The few moments I could truly be myself

Love is you putting your arm around me, trying to hold me together with your love. The brief touches and intimate looks we shared when we though no one else was looking. 

Love is holding each other as we cry. 

Love is you using my shoulder as a pillow because you didn't get enough sleep last night. 

Love is passing the potatoes

Love is whispering as we sit by the fire. 

Love is making you laugh, because there's nothing that makes me happier than seeing you happy and smiling. 

Love is the notes we passed, the stories we told, because there's no one I trust more than you. 

Love is letting you go because someone caught your eye. 

Love is supporting you, ignoring peoples questions, and defending you and your choice to leave. 

Love is still putting you before everything. 

Love you even if you don't love me back. 

Even if I cry over the thought of you every night, though I'd never admit it. 

Because no matter what I'll love you. Now. Forever. Always. 

And here's hoping. 

Hoping that one day this complicated unrequited love will become simple, true love once more. 

Lights

Lights

Red 

Blue

The screeching

The wailing

Of a siren

My heart pounds

My hands fold

As my lips move

Silently

Please no

Please no

The phone rings

My hands shake

I hear the voice

I drop

And scream

NO!!!!!

Please…

My Fear of Fear

I have a fear of fear

Cause it takes everything dear

To me

You see

I'm afraid to talk

On this fear walk

Cause all you people

Who can't look at a church steeple

Use

    Accuse 

        Bruise

   Abuse

      Take 
Awake

Innocent folk

Cause their life's a joke

Something to throw away

Delay

Push down

Place on you the crown

To place you among the kings

Giving you wings

To soar above the rest 

Who gave everything at your request

This I used to think

From stuff in ink

That you'd do anything to rise

But I was taken by surprise

When one day

I didn't want to stay

Someone reached out

And asked about

My story

Even though there was no glory

They cared

Shared

      Taught 

          Fought

         Defended

    Reprimanded

Me 

Cause I'm ME

I fell in love

Something I'd only dreamt of

I fell in love all over again

And again

    And again

        And again

            And again

                  And again

I finally knew what it felt like to be human

And I felt like a new man

Being human was to feel

Something real

An emotion

I used to think was a silly notion

    But the tears

And the fears

 The smiles

      The miles

Traveled

      Unraveled

Until we find Love

That fits like a glove

Anger

      Danger

Joy

  Coy

This thumping in my chest

Is the test

To tell if I'm alive

But these feelings I need to thrive

To make me a person

Not a burden

So let me feel

To seal the deal

To make

   me 

         HUMAN

Wanting to be a Child

The innocence of childhood

Pain, understanding, and loss of losing it

Once a siren meant, "fire truck mommy!"

Now I pray for everyone I love 

Once everyone was friends

Now "it's complicated"

Once I could sing and dance freely

Now I have a "reputation" to uphold

Once I drew with crayons, embracing mistakes

Now I draw in pencil, afraid of screwing up

Once both my life and world were perfect

Now I'm struggling to stay alive

Once I was a child , wanting to grow up

Now I'm grown up, wanting to be a child

Forgotten

I lay on my back 

Cold, wet, grass pressing skin

The Heavens beyond,

And Hell behind

A tear drips off my cheek

Running down my neck

For soon I'll be forgotten

Hands thrown out

Like the wings of an eagle 

"Take me!"

I scream

To Stars, Moon, and World

Submitting to them at long last

Soon I'll be forgotten

The winds howl

Ripping at clothes

Tearing at skin

A puff of air escapes

Cold, dry lips

Body relaxes into grass

I'll be forgotten

I float towards the Heavens

Away from Hell

Looking at them

Alone

Left behind

Forgotten

But I
I am free