I'm Never Not Afraid

I'm afraid to tell the world my fears. Afraid it will make me weak and vulnerable. Afraid that people will use then against me. 

I know I'm a coward. All I do is hide. Hide from my past, from who I really am, and the problems I should be dealing with.   I hide from it all. 

But no more. I'm tired of hiding. Tired if being afraid.  Of having so many secrets. 

So here it goes

I'm afraid of the people I love dying. I didn't used I have this fear. I was overly optimistic that I would never loose anyone. But the day it happened. My heart froze and I cried acid. One of the blisters on my heart never healed. Instead it festers. And shoots slivers of pain through my heart each time it gets bumped. 

I'm afraid of sirens and what they'll bring. 

I'm afraid if heights. No. I'm afraid of falling. 

I'm afraid of my past and my memories. I'm afraid of the future and making the wrong decision.  Afraid of disappointing those who support me. 

I'm afraid of becoming the person I once was. Afraid of never changing again

I'm afraid of change and the uncertainty it will bring. 

I'm afraid I'll never know what it's like to live pain free.  Know what it's like to be healthy. 

I'm afraid that there something wrong with me because I'm not afraid to die. 

I'm afraid no sick of stupid doctors and their crushing accusations. No I'm not on drugs, no I'm not depressed, no I don't trust you. Your job is to make me better. But all you do is make me feel worse. 

I afraid of my heart and what's capable of. 

I'm afraid if crying in public, because yes I'm okay, even when I'm not. 

I'm afraid of letting the barrier around my heart break. I'm afraid what will happen to me if it doesn't. 

I'm afraid… I'm afraid… I'm afraid…

Why

Sometimes I wonder why people do things

Why I do the things I do. 

Why I ignore my best friend. For them? … or me?

Why I ever stopped writing. Was it because it to avoid the pain? … or the truth?

Why I put up a front. Is it to protect everyone around me? … or myself?

Why? Why don't I just face who I am and live it up?

Why don't I just confront the person who stole my heart? Because I'm afraid? Or because I want him to go away? 

Why do I always read when I feel like I'm about to break?

Why do I screw up so much? Because I don't try hard enough? Or because I try too hard? 

Am I really THAT selfish?

Why?

Why? 

Why?!

Things You Probabaly Don't Remember

That day in the library you were playing chess. I watched. When it was over I got scared and ran away. But you ran after me. 

At that parent teacher conference in 7th grade that you came up and talked to me. My mom whispered to me later that you liked me. I told her she was crazy. 

Free time in science when you grabbed my shoulders and said, "Doug, you have to read it! You're missin out!"

When you told me I could trust you and I did. Still do. 

When you snuck up on me in a rolly chair during history. I was alone. You asked if I was okay, and for the first time I told you the truth. 

All the times you brushed grass out of my hair or off my back. 

The time we went to a basketball game because you forgot I couldn't skate

The first time I met your family

The first time you met mine

The day I was in so much pain I was sure I would die. But you came and held my shaking body, giving me strength

It took 3 phone calls to tell you he was gone

Star Wars dodge ball

When you missed my neighborhood turn, took a 20 min detour and just  talked. 

When you and friends kidnapped me for my 16 birthday

Dancing

When we went caroling and I brushed the snowflakes off your eyebrow. 

That valentine you gave me last year. 

That your my best friend. 

Forgotten Memories

The way life used to be

Always me and you; you and me

Now times have changed

Our lives rearranged

Our memories together

Once as tough as leather

Are now in a box

Probably full of socks

Covered in dust

And starting to rust

The other day

When you said you couldn't stay

I 

Opened

It

Do you remember…?

Story Telling

How to tel

Telling stories

Story Telling 

1.decide on your story topic

This is the hardest part. You have to          choose something both entertaining and learnable relateable. If you loose miss the entertainment your story will be boring and everyone will throw fruit at you. Miss Forget to make it relatable, it will be pointless a waste of breath. 

2. Use your words well

Too many words will drown your audience. Too few will bore strangle them.

3. Practise controlling your voice

Your voice can will either be your best friend or your worst enemy. All emotion and feeling has to be conveyed through your voice. You're a one man band. You represent are every character and every character is represents you. 

4. Fall back on motion and facial expression

Your movements and facial expressions fill in the gaps that voice leaves behind. Taking your story from your ears to your eyes to your heart. 

5. Story Telling LIVE 

The most important step. Forget about being a story teller. Live the story. Be a story worth telling. Meet new characters. The good and the bad. I'm living a story with all the ups and downs. A story of love, pain, and sacrifice. Of smiles, laughter, and tears. Of friends, enemies, and family. Of bruises, rain, and sunshine. My story is full of strike outs and new ideas. I'm in a story where I'm not just the ink of someone's pen, or the breath escaping another's lips. I'm breathing real and very alive. 

What's your story?

   

Holiday

October 1 marks the start of my favorite time of year 

The holiday season, to make that clear

A time for costumes and treat alike

And presents gifts and a brand new bike

But the magic that lives in the season

Is what gives me the reason

That I love the season of holidays

For October through January is full of jolly days

Halloween Christmas New Years and Thanksgiving too

The decorations and festivities all around

Can't walk down the street without hearing a musical sound 

A time for giving and caring for others

A time for all to come together sisters mothers fathers and brothers 

It's a time if warmth and light

Each home it's own beautiful sight

The holiday season is the best if all

And it all begins in the fall. 

Mind Games

I gave you my heart once.  I trusted you more than anyone. I loved you more than I thought was humanly possible.
But it was just a game to you. 
The betrayal so hot it melted my heart into my mind. 
You never loved me. I doubt sometimes whether you were even my friend.

My life took on a new pattern. A new way of thinking. Your voice wormed it's way into my mind. Making me second guess myself and the motives of those around me. 

Someone's smile
   They think you're a joke
I look down

Someone says hello
   They want something from me
I walk the other way

Someone talks to me
    Why bother?
I study the floor and nod

I have a friend
    Really? They're not your friend. Who in their right would want               
    to be friends with YOU?
I stop answering the phone when they call

Trust me. Someone says
    Why? They're just gonna betray you. 
I walk away.  

Come hang out with us!
    They just want to embarrass you. Hurt you. 
I'm busy. Sorry. Then I sit in my room. Alone. 

Pass a mirror
     Your pointless
     Your cruel
     Your not good enough
     Your stupid
     You'll never be good enough
     Your beneath them. 
Your right. 

Then. One day. Someone handed me a book. 

And your voice was replaced. The words in my head changed. Now when someone smiled I'd try to smile back. Slowly I began to trust, hope, again. I hung out with kids my age. I began to feel. I began to love. 

But one day your voice returned. Doubt crept into my mind and filled my weak mind with the thoughts of old. 

They're just using you. Because you're weak. Easy to manipulate.

So I ran

And THEY ran after ME. Calling out MY name. Asking ME where I was going. Why was I leaving. And could I stay?  I turned and your voice screamed

NO!!!

But the smile on their friendly face cut you short. That mind game of yours was over and I had won. I was free. 

Love had set me free, and keeps me so. Please don't take my love away. I gave you my heart. Please don't break it.