I Honestly Don't Know What to Say

I honestly don't know what to say.

My mind is blank, but my hands move, discover.

They want to see how far they can reach

And how much they can pull up

they want to create

learn

feel

and just

be

They want to discover

the World's secret

(cause everyone has one)

they want

to set it free

My heart discovered me

It discovered

Life is mean

Life is cruel

Life is pain

Life is out to get me

But Life is also

beautiful

calm

full of love

and how can something so horrible

be so...

wonderful?

I discovered the little kid

that used to catch snowflakes

on their tongue,

face towards God,

is still inside

never going to grow up

never to be a serious adult

I used to look up at the stars

and wonder

HOW?

Now I can't even see them

I used to sit on the grass

for HOURS

petting a dog

and drawing

Now I'm lucky to have

10 minutes free

I used to watch the clouds

and make pictures

stories

now I look for the blue

and the sun

I honestly don't know what I'm saying

But my hands

and my heart

do.

I used to cry

when my boot crushed a flower

now I don't even look down

when I walk

I used to sing 

it felt good

now I don't

it doesn't sound good

I used to smile

because I'm alive

I'm free

Now I don't

too busy

too tired

I have no idea what I'm saying

neither does my head

but my heart does

and my hands

follow suit

I used to dance

to move my body

to the beat of life

now I've got places to go

and dancing doesn't get me there

fast enough

I used to be in love

with my hero

Now we don't even talk

I don't know where this all came from

But my heart does

and my hands explain

the sun used to kiss my cheeks

as I spun

playing drunk monkey

Now my playmate is gone

there is work to be done

I used to see the magic

and believe

now I'm too old

and embarrassed

 to admit it was ever there

I honestly don't know what to say.