hold on tight

life has a strange way 

of changing how i feel

one of my friends once told me

"if you want to make God laugh

tell Him your plans"

boy, do i sure make Him laugh

a lot

when i was a little kid
i planned
on being:
vet
singer
author
actress
artist
teacher
mom
all at once
now
i only plan on
one of those

when i was a freshman
i planned
on being 
a basketball star
3 months later
i started playing
ultimate

when i was 16
i planned
on marrying
my best friend
who i currently
havent talked to
for 6 months
and counting

before i graduated
i planned
on coaching my team
every week
now
i don't even know
if i'll come home 
once a month
i planned
on going to everyones
farewells
in the end
i made it
to one

now
i don't know
what my plans are
i keep changing
my perspective keeps
switching
my life 
keeps flipping
and all i can do
is hold on 
tight

hold on tight
because 
the feeling of falling
is more exciting
and worth it
than being grounded
and safe
no matter what happens
how far I fall
the wind through my hair
and seeing the world
from a new perspective
will remind me 
of the joy of falling
in love

no matter how much 
landing hurts
the pain
makes me stronger
new hope
always seems brighter
and the boy
i  dream about
will always
be there 
to catch me
and teach me
how
to smile
again

Mountain Girl

My dad once told me

I was a mountain girl

HIS mountain girl 

The adventurous 

Daring

Caring

Simple

Happy

I wanna go there

Kinda girl

The I love you

I'll always come home

Kinda girl

The one that fell

ALOT

but always

Got back up

The kinda girl

That gets lost 

On PURPOSE

just so she can find herself

The kinda girl

That throws caution to the wind

And climbs without ropes

Just to prove she can

The kinda girl that

Protects

Defends

And fights

For what's right

The honest jumpy

Fearless

Effervescent 

Kinda girl 

I smiled

A big, broad

Smile

I was gonna make

My dad

PROUD

the other day

My dad said

Go get in some trouble 

Mom gasped

He laughed

And turned quickly

But his eyes

His one green

And one blue

Eyes said

"Where's my mountain girl?"

I sighed 

GONE!

I wanted to yell 

Shout

Scream!

LOST!

And this time

She can't find herself

But I looked

Looked through

The pencils

Papers

Markers

Erasers

Sketches

Colors

And words

Words

Words

Endless words

Other's words

Then

I was handed a pen

A blank note book

And a blog

I searched

And wrote

And think,

Maybe

Possibly

Hopefully

I've begun

To find her

See her footprints

In the snow

Bloody feet

Making way

For boot prints

Stride longer

Steps stronger

Pointed 

Towards 

Home

I Wanna Read

I wanna read something that kicks me in the stomach and makes me want more. I wanna read something with characters that I can see myself in, that I fall in love with, that become my friends. Something unpredictable, fascinating, and mind blowing. I wanna read something that pulls on my heartstrings. Something I can live, breathe, and dream. I wanna read something that has power, a deeper meaning. Something REAL. I wanna read something that makes me change  without reaslizing it. Something with honor and honesty. A stroy that smiles while it cries. A tale full of hope and fixing broken hearts. A story so complex it's like real life. I wanna read something full of make so real I could touch it, a tale full of sword fights, adventure and suspense. A book full of devious plans, shape shifting girls, and monsters in a chasm.  A story of forgotten history, a broken kingdom and the end of this time. 

You wanna read the Stoemlight Archives.  

Hello. Goodbye.

 Not many if you know who I am. I'm normally pretty quiet and like to keep to myself.  But if you did you'd know that blue is my favorite color and I'm a terrible cook.  You'd know that as much as I love art, I really don't want to be a professional artist.   I love to read and write. If you really knew me you'd know I'd rather be too hot than too cold. You'd know that I don't play ultimate for the sport but for the people.  You'd know I love to sing but haven't preformed since 5th grade.  If you really knew me you'd know I don't wear Christmas sweaters everyday because I like them. I know I look ridiculous. I do it to make people smile and laugh. If you really knew me you'd know I don't really care for stuff. I just want memories. If you really knew me you'd know I live the beach but couldn't live without the mountains.  You'd know they one of my best friends commit suicide when I was 15 and I've never been the same since.  You'd know that I want to know you story. The good and the bad. If you really knew me you'd know there's nowhere if rather be than a family party. You'd know I've only ever been on a date with boys on my team. You'd know I have 2 sisters and a brother. If you really knew me you'd know I live to smile. If you really knew me you'd know I absolutely live sledding, and fairytales are my favorite.  You'd know that all I've ever wanted to do is teach, and that really hate wearing makeup, so I don't. You'd know I've never been kissed. If you really knew me you'd know I like manual labor and cut myself twice in five minutes trying to teach myself how to carve. If you really knew me you'd know I love to dance but can't because of my feet.  If you really knew me you'd know I love my family more than anything and that my mom is my best friend.  If you really knew me you'd know that this class saved me. I've learned more during A2 than I've learned in all my other periods combined. Worth knowing that is. You'd know I don't want it to end. But all good things do come to a close eventually.

So thanks Nelson for making me believe in love again. For teaching me I have nothing to be afraid of. Thank you Eleanor Douglas, my best friend. Elizabeth Grace my next door neighbor. Hancock the love expert. Katie lane my ultimate captain. Dante Alexander whom I can't find words to describe and crusty muffin for the chance to preform your blog.

So no more hiding. It's time for y'all to know who I really am. Not just Douglas Malloch. But also Meghan Abbott.

Wishing I didn't have to remember.

I remember when blue skies meant bike rides and snow fall made me smile and laugh. I remember when my dad taught me how to make snow angles. I remember falling off my bike, skinning my knee and my swimming buddy coming over and comparing his scrapes to mine. I remember when dad told us we were moving over a extra large bowl of ice cream. All I heard was you have to leaving him. And it turned our he didn't care. I remember the first time I say my dad cry and decided I would never cry again. I remember the red paint in her hair. I remember getting my first camera. A little purple film camera. I remember talking to Santa on the phone Christmas Eve and promising myself I'd always believe. I remember the first time I chopped my hair. I was no longer Repunzel. I remember him yelling to at me to stop singing. I sang louder. I remember the first time he hit me. My arm turned green. I remember learning about frogs in 1st grade and deciding they'd be my favorite animal forever. I remember Monday lunches with Mrs.B. I remember throwing a baseball with Adam cause mom was in Colorado and dad was at work. I remember the day I hit 3 ft. I remember my sacrament meeting art lessons. I remember the day I decided I like Utah, looking into his eys in the library. I remember building stone houses with Chantal in the forest. I remember the first time I read a book. All by myself.  I was so proud. I remember when I thought moving would be the hardest thing i've ever done. I wish it still was.  I remember being young and innocent, that life was perfect and always would be. I remember when that ended. I remember long walks to the park just so we could swing. I remember promising myself I would never care for anyone, I remember each time I broke it. I remember wishing I could fly, and catching fairy dust for my sister so she could have something to believe in. I remember all the letter I wrote, and never sent. I remember wishing for death. I remember the first time I fell in love, and meant it. I remember him breaking my heart. I remember big patches of sunflowers and mom wanting to take pictures in them.  I remember getting my fishing pole stuck in a tree. three times.  I remember laughing and the warm feeling of a smile. I remember my first kite, and the windy park. I remember leaf jumping, and Kyle hiding in the pile so he could scare Malone when she came by. I remember loving power rangers and jedis.

I remember a time when the worst thing that could happen was you being busy. Before I heard the sirens. Before I got the phone call

I remember the wails of boys who should be laughing. I remember watching Mall Cop in silence. I remember crying so hard I almost passed out.  I remember sitting on the swing waiting for you to come and say, "suprise! I'm not dead!" I remember the last time I danced with you, last time I ate with you, talked to you, saw you and wishing I could've done something different.  I remember people telling me I needed to talk about it. I remember crying myself to sleep for a month. I remember what it felt like to go to Hell, and not sure if i've made it out yet. I rememeber seeing someone in the halls  that looked like you and then have to run and cry when I remembered that you're gone. I remember the pain in having to be strong because someone had to be. I remember feeling alone and unloved. I remember feeling responsible, still do.  I remember the warm sun and my frozen heart. I remember the song that now makes me cry. I remember everyone coming to the funeral pretending to know you. it made me angry. I remember skipping the burial, and will forever regret it. I remember being to scared to visit. I remember feeling hollow. sometime I still do. I remember seeing my brother sitting at the work bench, hands hanging aimless at his side at tears rolled furiously down his cheeks. I remember each individual time I wished you were here. I remember wanting to trade you spots. I remember wanting to tell someone but not burden anyone with the pain. So I called Andrew. I remember mom being afraid to leave any of us alone for two months. I remember going to practise the next day and not having the will power to stand. I remember doing push ups to punish myself. I remember trying to push thoughts of you away and laughing off everything so no one could see my hurt.  I remember the day you died and all the moments after that were half empty without you. 

I remember…

I remember…

I remember…

I remember what it was like to have you here, and I wish I didn't have to. 

BLACK OUT

Boy

I fell in L O V E
with a boy
A boy full of 
light laughter and dreams
He made me see
the world
for its possibilities
He changed me
from the girl in the back of the class room
to ME
He made me see 
that me was the best thing
I could be
because there was nobody else that could be me
He taught me how to laugh
and how laughter
heals the soul

He showed me how
to make others smile
I practiced a lot
on him
He told me 
I didn't have to be afraid
Of A N Y T H I N G
One day my boy
decided he didn't want to be mine anymore
didn't want to be a boy anymore
but a man
His smile
was replaced by wrinkled forehead
at least around me
His dreams
became plans
and nothing more
My boy spread so far
so thin
I can't see him when he's next to me
I don't think he wants me to
He stopped looking for me
and I him
And all this time
my heart twisted
My heart squeezed
and tore
and broke
and no amount of tears
could wash away the pain

My boy became a memory
a fantasy
a fleeting thought
Someone I will always love
While the man lives
becoming someone 
distant and unrecognizable
I tried to love him
it made sense
then my heart came
and said
You can't L O V E with your H E A D
nor R E A S O N with your H E A R T
So I left the boy
who'd become a man
And do everything he taught
and remember everything we did
Hoping
One day
My boy will come back
And the man
will go
away