I'm Never Not Afraid

I'm afraid to tell the world my fears. Afraid it will make me weak and vulnerable. Afraid that people will use then against me. 

I know I'm a coward. All I do is hide. Hide from my past, from who I really am, and the problems I should be dealing with.   I hide from it all. 

But no more. I'm tired of hiding. Tired if being afraid.  Of having so many secrets. 

So here it goes

I'm afraid of the people I love dying. I didn't used I have this fear. I was overly optimistic that I would never loose anyone. But the day it happened. My heart froze and I cried acid. One of the blisters on my heart never healed. Instead it festers. And shoots slivers of pain through my heart each time it gets bumped. 

I'm afraid of sirens and what they'll bring. 

I'm afraid if heights. No. I'm afraid of falling. 

I'm afraid of my past and my memories. I'm afraid of the future and making the wrong decision.  Afraid of disappointing those who support me. 

I'm afraid of becoming the person I once was. Afraid of never changing again

I'm afraid of change and the uncertainty it will bring. 

I'm afraid I'll never know what it's like to live pain free.  Know what it's like to be healthy. 

I'm afraid that there something wrong with me because I'm not afraid to die. 

I'm afraid no sick of stupid doctors and their crushing accusations. No I'm not on drugs, no I'm not depressed, no I don't trust you. Your job is to make me better. But all you do is make me feel worse. 

I afraid of my heart and what's capable of. 

I'm afraid if crying in public, because yes I'm okay, even when I'm not. 

I'm afraid of letting the barrier around my heart break. I'm afraid what will happen to me if it doesn't. 

I'm afraid… I'm afraid… I'm afraid…