Boy

I fell in L O V E
with a boy
A boy full of 
light laughter and dreams
He made me see
the world
for its possibilities
He changed me
from the girl in the back of the class room
to ME
He made me see 
that me was the best thing
I could be
because there was nobody else that could be me
He taught me how to laugh
and how laughter
heals the soul

He showed me how
to make others smile
I practiced a lot
on him
He told me 
I didn't have to be afraid
Of A N Y T H I N G
One day my boy
decided he didn't want to be mine anymore
didn't want to be a boy anymore
but a man
His smile
was replaced by wrinkled forehead
at least around me
His dreams
became plans
and nothing more
My boy spread so far
so thin
I can't see him when he's next to me
I don't think he wants me to
He stopped looking for me
and I him
And all this time
my heart twisted
My heart squeezed
and tore
and broke
and no amount of tears
could wash away the pain

My boy became a memory
a fantasy
a fleeting thought
Someone I will always love
While the man lives
becoming someone 
distant and unrecognizable
I tried to love him
it made sense
then my heart came
and said
You can't L O V E with your H E A D
nor R E A S O N with your H E A R T
So I left the boy
who'd become a man
And do everything he taught
and remember everything we did
Hoping
One day
My boy will come back
And the man
will go
away

I Honestly Don't Know What to Say

I honestly don't know what to say.

My mind is blank, but my hands move, discover.

They want to see how far they can reach

And how much they can pull up

they want to create

learn

feel

and just

be

They want to discover

the World's secret

(cause everyone has one)

they want

to set it free

My heart discovered me

It discovered

Life is mean

Life is cruel

Life is pain

Life is out to get me

But Life is also

beautiful

calm

full of love

and how can something so horrible

be so...

wonderful?

I discovered the little kid

that used to catch snowflakes

on their tongue,

face towards God,

is still inside

never going to grow up

never to be a serious adult

I used to look up at the stars

and wonder

HOW?

Now I can't even see them

I used to sit on the grass

for HOURS

petting a dog

and drawing

Now I'm lucky to have

10 minutes free

I used to watch the clouds

and make pictures

stories

now I look for the blue

and the sun

I honestly don't know what I'm saying

But my hands

and my heart

do.

I used to cry

when my boot crushed a flower

now I don't even look down

when I walk

I used to sing 

it felt good

now I don't

it doesn't sound good

I used to smile

because I'm alive

I'm free

Now I don't

too busy

too tired

I have no idea what I'm saying

neither does my head

but my heart does

and my hands

follow suit

I used to dance

to move my body

to the beat of life

now I've got places to go

and dancing doesn't get me there

fast enough

I used to be in love

with my hero

Now we don't even talk

I don't know where this all came from

But my heart does

and my hands explain

the sun used to kiss my cheeks

as I spun

playing drunk monkey

Now my playmate is gone

there is work to be done

I used to see the magic

and believe

now I'm too old

and embarrassed

 to admit it was ever there

I honestly don't know what to say.

Breathing Stars

Death is a strange concept that is feared because we don't understand. It's something that makes us do the wildest of things whether we're avoiding it or chasing it with arms spread wide. 

It's is the end of everything we know and the beginning of things we don't.

Death brings a pain that no one can describe, nor wants to. A pain that paints images. Images of that gun going off. Of Those pills being swallowed, the car making contact, their arm going limp, and the world slowing to a stand still. 

The threat of death changes people. It makes them doing things they normally wouldn't have the guts to do. It changes people, turns them inside out like nothing else can. 

It can build you up or tear you down. It makes you sign in relief or tense in fear. It either sharpens or dulls your senses. 

It burns you, marks you

Death makes you cry so hard you see stars and almost pass out. 

Death breaks down your barriers, then builds them up stronger than before. It makes you vulnerable then tough. It makes you wonder then fear. 

Death is life 

And life is death.